


Of Fathers and Sons

by Rillion



Series: Mindgames [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Emotionally Hurt Dean Winchester, Gen, It’s Michaels fault, I’m sorry for it, John Winchester is an ass in this one, emotional torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-09
Updated: 2018-09-09
Packaged: 2019-07-10 03:39:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15941015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rillion/pseuds/Rillion
Summary: His father will always be a dominant presence in Deans life. Michael uses it against him.





	Of Fathers and Sons

“Dean.”  
“Dad?”  
The silence is being broken by the familiar voice of his father. He finds himself in a seemingly endless room of nothingness. He somehow knows it’s Michael, who put him in here. But he isn’t alone.  
John stands directly behind him and Dean turns around. He looks like the last time Dean has seen him. 

How did he get here? How long had he been standing there? Dean somehow can’t think straight. 

“Dean, what have you done?”  
“What?”  
John’s looks him dead in the eye. Dean automatically straightens his posture. He knows that look. His dad is angry. 

“I expected a better sense of judgement from you.“  
“I- I don’t understand,” Dean stammers. He becomes dizzy. His head begins to hurt. He furrows his brows in reaction of the pain in his forehead.  
“What are you doing here?”, he continues stammering, “This- this can’t be.”

He can’t wrap his head around what happens in that moment. It is too much to take. He doesn’t remember how it came to this situation, doesn’t remember when it started. What happened before this? How long is Micheal possessing him already? Has it just started? Has it been long? It is all so confusing. Now, John is talking to him and Dean has no clue what to do.

“Haven’t I trained you better?”, John continues.  
“Dad, I don’t understand. What-“, Dean licks his lips, “What are you talking about?”  
A nervous laugh leaves his mouth; this one laugh Dean always has when he is nervous. It is a sad attempt to make himself feel better with a joke.

“I leave you alone and not even 2 years after that, the apocalypse is on it’s way?” John drills into him with serious eyes. For Dean, it feels like they are looking right through him. It’s as if they are scanning him and notice every flaw there is. He feels exposed and insecure and has to lower his gaze for a moment. The headache is gone as fast as it had come, so at least his forehead doesn’t sting anymore. However, his chest does for a totally different reason. 

“And that’s not all! How many times did your actions lead to almost ending the world?”, his father adds bitter. Dean doesn’t know where to look. Automatically, he is captured by John’s presence. He does not dare speak back, is frozen. It is an old habit. You don’t talk back to your superior and you follow your orders. These two things have stuck with Dean throughout his life. Though, he has learned, that it is not always the best to do it; being eye to eye with his father, he doesn’t dare make exceptions.

“You’re a disappointment Dean.”  
“Dad, what are you saying?”, Dean asks. These words, they sound strange out of his fathers mouth. The younger Winchester isn’t used to be affected by words like this anymore. The only person being capable of making him feel bad like this is Sam.

“You know what I mean.” John begins circling around Dean.  
“Disobeying orders, acting irrationally,” his father begins to count, “you brought heaven and hell out of balance.”  
Dean pauses.  
“Purgatory, the darkness, all are things connected to you.”  
His fathers behaviour is uncharacteristic towards Dean. That’s how he interrogated his suspects, but never has the Winchester experienced it directed at him or Sam.  
“I- I didn’t mean to”, Dean stammers. He always thought it was scary watching his dad question the bad guys, but in this position, it was a lot more frightening.

He takes a deep breath to calm himself down.  
“You- you’re not real,” he convinces himself, “This angel bastard is still playing tricks.”  
John doesn’t respond to the words.  
Of course his father doesn’t. Instead, his drilling eyes seem to find more and more things on his son, that he would count as a flaw. 

“You’re too soft Dean,” the older begins again, “If you manned up a little, non of these things would have happened in the first place.”

Slowly, Dean becomes angry by the things his father is accusing him of. It is not right. John is trying to make him responsible for every bad unleashed since his death. It’s not fair.

“How would you know? You weren’t even there!”, Dean snaps back, “Purgatory wasn’t even my fault, nor was the closing of heaven!”  
John takes almost no notice in his words. His father gives Dean no solid chance to defend himself.  
“I did everything I could!”, Dean tries, “At least I was there.”  
“Well it sure wasn’t enough son!”, John interrupts, “You didn’t even manage to protect Sam!”

Dean’s breath is caught in his throat. Pictures of the recent evens flashed before his eyes. Apocalypse world. Vampires.  
“You didn’t even manage that”, John repeats whilst Dean is unable to say anything.  
He knows he failed the most in this aspect of his life. Hell, he will never forgive himself for anything Sam went through, even if it wasn’t his fault. He still thinks he should have been able to prevent it. Whatever ‘it’ is! Dean knows there is a long list of things.

“I tried”, Dean whispers.  
“Not hard enough,” was John’s response.  
It feels like a punch in the gut. Deans eyes widen and he starts to clench his fists.  
“Not hard enough?”, he echoes his fathers words, “Not hard enough?!”  
He steps up to John.  
“All I ever did was protecting Sam! That’s all my life consists of!”, Dean says pressed, “You crammed it into my head so hard, I never will not think about Sam’s damned safety! All day long, even in my sleep. I dream of it!”

That is true. Subconsciously, he always thinkst if it. It reaches into his dreams, deep into his thoughts. It even is in his music. When he hears fitting lyrics, he automatically connects it to Sam.  
“And when I fail, it-, it destroys me. ‘Cause I feel like I screwed up my only real purpose in life.”  
Dean looks his father in his face and does not turn away this time.  
“That’s what you did with your constant reminders and your obsession”, he says, “The load you put on me as a kid is and will always be there dad.”

There is no sign of sympathy in his fathers eyes, but what is to be expected of a false projection of an archangel. Dean swallows. Again, there is a knot in his chest. He knows deep down that this is not his father, but he can’t deny the fact that the hard look of the person in front him hurts.

“I tried everything and I will continue trying, if I come out of this alive. So don’t you dare hold that against me.”  
“‘If I come out of this alive’. That’s the question isn’t it?” Johns arms cross over his chest. “You got yourself in this situation son. You gotta take responsibility.”  
“I took responsibility by allowing that son of a bitch to use me as a vessel. I saved the world!”, Dean yells. His fingers tap in his chest. “I saved it.”  
“Yeah, and destroyed it in the same breath. What do you think the guy is doing now that he has you? What did he do in the first world he was in?”

John towers over him. Even though his father isn’t much taller than himself, he is intimidating.  
“I had no other choice. He betrayed me!”, Dean insists.  
“What else did you expect?”, John counters.

Dean sighs.  
“A win. One damned win. I hoped for that.” His voice gets more quite. He was high on hopes the moment he, Sam and Jack realised Lucifer was dead. But of course, something had to get in the way. As always.

“You’re naive, Dean and stupid.”  
Dean swallows. He tries and tries again to convince himself, that this isn’t real, that these words mean nothing. Yet, his attachment to his father still is and always will be strong, even if it toned down over the years without him. So, he can’t just block out the words spoken with this voice, the expression made with this face.

“I had no other choice okay? What would you have done huh?”  
“The right thing!”, his father states.  
“Yeah, maybe in your world, but in mine ‘the right thing’ is something completely different now.”  
“Since when do you talk to me like that? Seems like Sam’s rebellious habits have rubbed off on you”, John says with contempt.  
“I’m just not letting myself be controlled by you again”, Dean states, now more calm.

John shakes his head.  
“Wrong! You have to be controlled by someone and you know it. May it be me, Sam, or someone else. You are nothing, Dean. You are only something as long as there are people around that give you a reason to exist. We both know that.”

It stings. It sting in his chest again. Dean doesn’t know what to respond. He struggles to get anything, but helpless noises over his lips.  
“Don’t say that. Don’t you say that to me”, he presses out.  
“You’re not worth it. You will rot here Dean. And you will be killed”, John says.  
“Then so be it.” He isn’t convincing. Deep down he hopes that Sam will save him; but if he is honest, how would his little brother do that. This time, there may not be a way out of this misery.

“No one will come”, his father says.  
Dean’s breath is loud.  
“You’re nothing“, John continues.  
“Stop!”, he tries.  
“Disappointment“, the older says.  
“SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP!“  
“Everyone leaves you. Everyone gets tired of you. You’re a failure.”

Dean breathes heavily at the words. He can’t take them. Not when they are said with the voice of his father. No he can’t take it. He just wants John to stop. With everything.

“You don’t matter”, is the last thing the John projection says before disappearing into thin air and leaving Dean alone. _Because that’s what he can do best_ , Dean thinks, before slumping to the ground.

**Author's Note:**

> I feel sorry for John, because I made him such an ass in this one. (I’ll just say it’s Michaels fault. It’s not the real John Winchester after all. Just a projection.)  
> He isn’t the nicest fella under normal circumstances either, but this is too much for him, sorry John.


End file.
